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Wednesday, 24 March 2010 |
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By MITCH TRAPHAGEN
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 Sleep Talkin’ Man in real life with a real life elephant. No word on if the elephant is tired from racing with hurdles and everything. Photo from sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com
I have to wonder how many of us, men, in particular, would be hunkey-dory with our wives recording random bits of sleep-talking and putting it out on the web for millions — yeah, that’s right, millions — to read. And to laugh about. And to discuss ad-nauseum.
Well, I’m here to tell you that at least one man is fine with it — he’s the Sleep Talkin’ Man. In real life, according to his wife, at least, he is a polite, mild-mannered businessman. But in his dreams he is a tough guy and oh-so-not-politically correct. Whether he is kicking a gorilla’s… uh… posterior or just using an acid-witted tongue to talk down a co-worker, his words (and his wife’s blog) have already become the stuff of Internet legend. No small feat with today’s overly saturated I-can-out-weird-you Web. Laced with bravado, self-absorption and more than a little profanity, the Sleep Talkin’ Man lives in a dream world that more than a few people dream they could really live.
His wife reports hearing him use words in his sleep that she has never heard him use while awake. She takes pains to point out that the views he expresses while sleeping rarely reflect the attitudes and opinions he holds while awake.
First there is self-absorption:
“You know, it’s not easy being me. You should try it. I bet that after just five minutes, you’ll then have an incredible healthy respect for how amazing I am.”
“Stand further away. You can’t possibly appreciate my greatness this close up.”
Then there is the acid wit:
“Don’t worry. I’ll find it. That’s what I do, find things. I find you annoying. See?”
“You certainly are incredible. A perfect example of genetics gone wrong. Now go stand in the corner and dribble or do something just as intelligent.”
“Hey, don’t... don’t say anything. Why don’t you put it in an email, then I can ignore it at my pleasure.”
Of course the animal kingdom is, apparently, never far from his dream-thoughts:
“No, not the cats. Don’t trust them. Their eyes. Their eyes. They know too much.”
“Cuff him! Arrest him! I don’t care, that manatee is going down!”
“Badger tickling: proceed with caution”
“I can’t control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!”
“I want an elephant race, with hurdles and everything... Watch them jump over ditches. And we can stick little dogs on top as jockeys. Doggie jockeys.”
“Don’t leave the duck there. It’s totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it’ll have much more fun.”
“I’ve got a badger, a dog, a cat, and a sack. Now that I’ve got ‘em you can <bleep> off. All mine.”
“Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We’re done for.... done for.”
“I don’t want to die! I love sex. And furry animals.”
“I want to see the piglets. Let me see the piglets. Why can’t I see the piglets? Ohhhh, piglets! ...<Bleep> they stink! I want to go home now. Stinky <bleeping> piglets.”
And, naturally, there is the outright bizarre (assuming the other stuff wasn’t bizarre enough for you):
“Don’t... Don’t put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They’ll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings.”
“Of course the zombie loved me. She gave me her heart. Mmmmm — hmmm. And her hand in marriage.”
“My computer needs more power. Feed it chips. Lots of chips. With ketchup. Not mayonnaise.”
“Look at me, I’m covered in.... what is it? Ewww. That’s not nice.”
His sleep-talkin’ statements aren’t in paragraphs, of course — just random things blurted out in the night. His wife reports that frequently current or upcoming events in his life have an impact on his dreams. Elephants and all things jungle-related became a prime source of weirdness just before the couple left for a vacation that included a visit to an elephant sanctuary.
While the photos on the site show him as described, a mild-mannered young man, there is a good bit of profanity so the Sleep Talkin’ Man probably should not be considered safe to visit at work. Or safe to leave around for your pre-teen children to view. It is, however, hilarious. There are also links to recordings and videos of television interviews. Take a trip into the seriously weird and wonderful world of a guy’s dreams at sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com.
And fear not! For those who prefer not to read whacked-out profanity, we also have something on the other end of the spectrum: A web video that allows you to ride down San Francisco’s Market Street just days before the 1906 earthquake that destroyed the city. The film was previously assumed to have been shot in 1905 but recently some have concluded, based on weather conditions and other indications in the film, that it was shot just days before the April 18, 1906 quake.
It is a fascinating trip into the past. See the people, how they dressed and behaved. See the lunatic drivers of cars in a city that had yet to adopt traffic laws. Put yourself into history for a trolley ride down Market Street by visiting www.flixxy.com/san-francisco-1905-historical-footage.htm.
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